No, You're Not Supporting Ride-Sharing, You're Killing Austin

It finally happened, everyone. We killed Austin. What we all once declared was an incorruptible, self nourishing cultural hub has finally been transformed into another gooey mound in the globalized American money pit. You know, in a way, I have to say I'm relieved. When I saw the backlash against the City of Austin mandating minor regulations against ride sharing companies, it was like taking a look at my bank statement for the first time in three months. Yes, we overdrew our funds, but at least now we know that we aren't as culturally rich as anybody else anymore.

This is what the mandate boils down to- people who drive for Lyft and Uber now have to undergo a fingerprint based background check, they have to carry a fire extinguisher in their car, and they can no longer drop people off in the middle lane of 6^th street on a Friday night. Meanwhile, the companies themselves have to pay a 1% tax to maintain the roads they use to make millions of dollars.

If this doesn't sound like something that will immediately end the world, then clearly you haven't been to Twitter or Facebook lately (or you don't live here, in which case, be warned: There are people here who are pants-shitting furious that massive conglomerates from across the country are making empty threats to leave because the city wants to give them slightly stronger ground rules.  Most of these people will also bully and belittle you for moving here.)

You really have to stand in awe of this blustering lack of self-awareness. Try this: think about every single person in this town who would fight a stranger to the death over whether or not Mighty Fine was better than In-N-Out burger, and every single person who ironically mocks people who wear “Keep Austin Weird” shirts (often while wearing Tyler's shirts) and every person who's ever “DURR OLD EMO'S WAS BETTER THAT'S NOT THE REAL ANTONE'S ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE USED TO BE COUCHES WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE” and now realize that they and everyone else have gone completely bat-shit crazy because their city government passed a few safety regulations on multi-billion dollar companies that originated in San Francisco.

I can get why Uber and Lyft aren't happy, and I even understand why they're lying through their teeth about why they're upset. They have investors they have to answer to, and anything that keeps them from expanding their market share, like guaranteeing the people who drive for them aren't serial rapists, is obviously not the optimal endgame.

The common argument you hear from the sniveling little shits that share their rage (all of whom aren't stockholders- both of these companies are privately owned, meaning that this doesn't directly affect them in any meaningful way) is that this is a secret cabal between the Taxi companies and the city employees- the Taxi companies are upset that Uber is taking their market share away, and they're using shady, underhanded tactics to attack companies with government regulations as opposed to changing their business models or just politely going bankrupt.

I'm calling bullshit.

To be fair, the Taxi industry hasn't exactly been awesome- their longstanding monopoly on transportation and the stunts they pulled on both their customers and employees are the reasons that Uber and Lyft exist in the first place.  But this doesn't give Uber or Lyft the excuse to operate without any kind of oversight.  

First of all, the Taxi companies have a pretty decent reason to be upset- they're being held to a higher standard because they've been around a lot longer.  Sure, it's not fun, but put yourself where they are: If you own a restaurant, and you find out that one of your competitors doesn't have to make their employees wash their hands, or that they can sell rat meat and call it Wagyu, then I'd think you'd be a little pissed off too.

Second, these regulations didn't simply happen at the will of an ornery taxi driver- they're in response to actual, real-world events. This is worth mentioning, because it's hard to imagine a shadowy group of corrupt government officials forming in the seedy underbelly of city politics for the purpose of holding Uber responsible if, say, a driver ends up being beyond creepy, or one of their drivers kills a seven year old girl.

And third of all-and this goes out to the guy who won't shut up about how he used to hang out with Leslie and Gary Clark Jr back when 6^th street wasn't full of yuppies-The cab companies, not the ride sharing companies, are the local businesses you claim to support. Yellow Cab started as American Cab in Austin in 1985. If you invariably support the Austin businesses in disputes, then by simple logic you're standing with the company that started seven years before Pete's Piano Bar.

So way to pick the right side, Austin. We might not get to be honest when we claim we're keeping the Capital City weird, but at least we've figured out how to keep our righteous indignation as steady as it ever was.

Sam lives and works in Austin, Texas.  The articles he writes tend to be shorter when he's also completing his online defensive driving course.  Follow him on Twitter, or send him some hate mail at swellbo@gmail.com.